


You should eat, you know?

by Ethereal_prince



Category: MILGRAM (Music Videos)
Genre: Fuuta has bpd and it's fun, M/M, Most of this is fluffy and kinda sad, Self-Harm, he just wants to be friends but he's. scared?, it's platonic really but ig you could see it shippy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:21:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27866769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ethereal_prince/pseuds/Ethereal_prince
Summary: Fuuta puts in a lot of effort to try and get to know Haruka. Too bad he's too self-conscious to allow himself to enjoy this company.
Relationships: Kajiyama Fuuta/Sakurai Haruka
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	You should eat, you know?

They were an  _ uncommon  _ pair, and if anyone was looking from the outside, surely, the first few times, they'd assume that Fuuta was  **bullying** the younger one - and sometimes Haruka felt that way, despite standing taller than him, the redhead would still be quite scary. Unfriendly, it's weird. Haruka doesn't fully get it, but despite appearing frustrated, he would always return for him and pay attention to him. So even when he'd be scarily defensive, he couldn't help but catch himself with a smile on his lips. He was never quite sure why Fuuta bothered with him, but he was very thankful. Playing with his food, Haruka would occasionally glance into the round, over to Fuuta next to him, who looked as tired as always. It's not like he got any good or great sleep, but Fuuta often looked like he didn't even try. Or his body wouldn't even let him try. Picking at his food with the fork, his thoughts wandered off, before he heard the smaller ones voice pipe up, a throat cleared and a hand waved before his eyes. Flinching back, his eyes unfocused and then focused on the fingers in front of him. An uncertain whimper leaving him, Fuutas hand is retracted, and his head tilts.  "You good? You should eat, you know?" Pointing at the meal Haruka  _ still  _ hadn't touched properly, his words were uttered grumpily, but looking deeper you would notice the caring tone in them. Haruka isn't very capable of detecting that, so he swallows, trembling. 

A huff leaves Fuuta, his hand being retracted fully, returning back to his own fork. His breath carries  **guilt** , he  _ didn't  _ mean to sound unfriendly, or scare the other. Finally, the taller one managed to react properly, hand shakily pushing the fork into the food, lifting it. "..r-right, I'm sorry.." Taking a bite, he can hear him click his tongue, crossing his arms.  "What are you apologizing for?"  His heart beats with  **guilt** , and he feels a rising urge, that's shoved down with another bite. Calm down.. the day has  _ barely  _ begun.

Stuttering, Haruka doesn't know how to reply. What was he apologizing for? He wasn't quite sure. Maybe for making Fuuta care? 

He doesn't notice the subtle guilt that  _ suddenly  _ taints Fuutas voice, simply trying to eat, so that he wouldn't feel guilty any longer himself. They spend time together so often, even though they'd usually just sit in silence, as Fuuta  _ desperately  _ looks for a topic to talk about, leaving frustrated, before coming back, fists clenched, as if so  _ determined  _ to get to know him. Never he understands the others determination, but sometimes he catches himself smiling, when he sees the others reddening face, and a chuckle would leave him. Which usually only got the redhead  _ more  _ riled up- he's sure he is also bothered by their height difference. He would notice Fuuta subtly trying to make himself seem taller around him. Though, he's not quite sure if that's only to seem taller, or because he felt some kind of need to protect him. From his words, it felt like the latter sometimes, but he feels that's too hopeful. 

"You  _ ever  _ touched a cooking pan?" Fuuta asks, as he plays with the handle of it, shifting around the cooking egg inside of it. Tilting his head, Haruka needs a moment, before shaking it. Usually, his mother would make food, and Haruka would just eat whatever he could get. Never did she teach him to make something himself, but he would always watch.  " _ Eh?? _ How old are you, again?? You know that's no good, how are you going to look after yourself?"  A hand is stemmed on his hip, before he draws a heavy breath, gripping Harukas wrist and pulling him to the stove. Letting out a concerned squeal, Haruka first doesn't know how to react, instantly trembling, till he realizes his hand is on the handle.

"It's not  _ that  _ hard, don't tremble so much. You're going to ruin the egg." Wrapping his hand over Harukas to steady his grip, he'd click his tongue once again. Haruka picked up on that, Fuuta did that a lot. Usually, when he was upset, or even concerned. Generally, Fuuta seemed very emotive, physically that was. It was  **easy** to read him, even for him. It takes him a moment, until he catches himself smiling again, his free hand wandering up to conceal those very upturned lips, hiding them from plain sight. Fuuta doesn't even notice, his gaze very focused on the pan they were now both holding, so close to each other Haruka would again notice just how much smaller than him the redhead was.  "T-thanks.."  He finally lets out, as Fuuta uses his free hand to turn the egg. Patting it with the wooden object, a yawn leaves him. Looking up only momentarily, he tilts his head.  "? It's nothing, you know. It'd be irresponsible of me to leave you  _ like this _ ." Uncurling Harukas hand from around the handle, he lets go of it, shoving Haruka to the side a bit again.  "Don't thank me for that. You should learn how to do these things. You know, I can't cook for you forever. Neither will your parents." Haruka looked down, ashamed for a moment. Fuuta was right, very right, but it's a reality he sometimes almost didn't want to acknowledge. He did wonder, how it'd be, if he ever were to return.  "W-well.. for now I have y-you, right?"  Again, that click of the tongue. And another yawn, eyes are rolled.  "I'm  _ letting  _ you lean on me, but I'm  **not** trying to befriend you, you know?!  _ Someone's  _ just  **gotta** take care of you."

Haruka.. laughed, watching Fuuta turn off the stove, getting a plate to put the egg on.  "What are you laughing at??" , is uttered by him, defensively, but more like a general statement, rather than him actually asking.  "N-nothing, I, just.." He stutters, smile faltering for a moment, but regardless staying soft.  "I-I was just happy. That.. Fuuta pays.. a-attention to me.."  Raising an eyebrow, Fuuta almost drops the plate, another click of his tongue, fingers trembling, before he huffs, cutting into the egg so he could eat it.  "Shut it." Is finally uttered, when he's already taken a bite. Haruka nods, he wasn't hungry himself, he'd just spent the time with Fuuta. Fuuta seemed to have a hard time making one person-sized meals whenever he made something proper, so that must be why he settled for something so simple. 

Hm. Did he have younger siblings? Was that why he was so  _ protective _ ? Haruka thought the thought of that was quite cute. But he felt it would be intrusive to ask, so he stayed quiet. They're both silent. 

Everyday they talked, Fuuta only seemed  **more** tired. The eyebags under his eyes didn't help his case, even when he would claim that he simply did not sleep well, and how anyone would be able to sleep well in the situation they were in. He wasn't quite wrong, he hasn't been doing too well either, but at least he didn't look like he was always on the verge of passing out.. Holding one of his plushies in his arms when they talk this evening, placed on Harukas bed, next to each other, as Fuuta would ramble on about whatever. Yawn after  _ yawn  _ leaves him, before Haruka finally sighs, lifting the plushie in his hands and shoving it at Fuuta.  "H-hey, you've been having trouble sleeping, r-right?"  He tries speaking, but his voice breaks regardless. Ugh..  "P-plushies help me,  _ usually _ .. T-to sleep, I-I mean, because.. I-I don't feel so alone. M-maybe it'd h-h..help  _ you  _ too.."

Fuuta first doesn't know how to react. His fingers tremble, before they wrap around the plushie pushed against him. His head tilts, as he cleans his throat.  "..e-eh??"  He sounds confused, almost lost at first. Perhaps that was because he was confused and lost. He didn't understand why Haruka was lending him this-- no,  _ why  _ was he being kind? 

_ Why did he care--  _

Yeah, he looked tired, 

because he was- and  _ yeah  _ he was lonely but?? 

**How would Haruka even be able to tell???**

**Was he that obvious about it??**

_ Right, right-- was he not being defensive enough?  _

A voice in the back of his head speaks of guilt, 

~~_ as if he'd tricked Haruka into thinking he  _ **_wasn't_ ** _ as awful as he was.  _ ~~

"U-um.." Hearing the taller one's voice again, Fuuta is dragged back to reality, now being the one wincing. It takes him another moment of blinking, a swallow, a click of his tongue to ignore the urge, the bands on his wrists suddenly feeling very prominent again.  "I-.. fuck, er, sorry, I spaced out there.." Fingers almost dig into the plushie, as he wants to accept it.  "E-ehh. Fuck, I'll, err.. take it?? Thanks, I-I guess.."  He hates it when his voice breaks, the plushie sinking against him, when his hands dig into it, holding onto it, almost a bit too tightly. 

He didn't get it. 

He didn't get it??? 

_ You're tricking Haruka. _ , 

the voice in his head resounds again, 

he shakes it, 

swallowing. 

_ You're tricking them all.  _

_ Into thinking you're any better.  _

_ You're awful, don't you know?  _

_ Why won't you let them know?  _

His legs feel shaky when he presses himself up, trying to stand straight. Holding onto the plushie, he swallows nervously.  "I-I.. fuck, I.. sorry, good night." He utters, as if suddenly being in a hurry.

Haruka doesn't get it, Haruka trembles, confusedly. What???  "W-wait, F-fuuta--!"  He didn't even get to raise his voice, until Fuuta was  _ already  _ out of the door. He-- he doesn't get it. Did he do something wrong? Did he annoy Fuuta? He didn't look annoyed, he just.. looked  _ scared  _ for a moment.. W- _ well _ , he took the plushie.. maybe he just got really tired suddenly? Haruka didn't get it, and he doesn't follow Fuuta. He  _ doesn't  _ have the courage to. Back in his room, the door behind him is quickly locked, back pressed against it, as he'd sink down onto his knees, the plushie still in his hands. What..  _ why the fuck did he react like this?? _ Now Haruka was going to think he's weird-- a fucking weirdo, running off like that. Right, right- he  _ should  _ think that, though. He was looking after him, but he shouldn’t get close, because, because Fuuta was actually  **awful** , and he knew that, and the harsh unfriendly Fuuta was the real one, he felt convinced. His fingers dig into the stuffed animal, it's a big bunny, wearing a red bow. 

First, he wonders, if Haruka  _ requested  _ that of Es for him. If he  **did** , he would  _ only  _ feel even more guilty. His wristbands felt so prominent, so tight, it almost scared him. 

He takes a shaky breath. 

Calm down. 

_ Calm down.  _

**Calm down,**

**_calm down,_ **

calmdown,calmdown... 

Sinking together, his face is pressed against the soft fur of the stuffed animal, as tears well up and wet it. He's so 

awful, 

**awful,**

_ awful,  _

**_awful._ **

Trying to lift himself, so he could at least drag himself to his bed, his breathing hitches. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid--!!!

Falling onto the bed, he curls up, arms wrapping around the bunny. He wants to  **hurt himself** . He wanted to so bad, the urge was there, stinging all over his wrists, as if something was crawling underneath his skin, that he'd have to cut, cut to let it out. 

He shouldn't, he knows. 

Kicking his shoes off, he sighs. Trying not to hurt himself, his nails would dig into the plushie in his arms, trying to hold onto it tight. Would he be safe that way? Would it be alright  _ not to _ punish himself for this? He doesn't know, but he's tired, it's been so long since he could sleep, so before he can think about it any further, he slips into dreams, arms clung tightly to the plush. 

The next morning, Fuuta doesn't show up to the shared breakfast. It makes Haruka worry, but he thinks it's nothing, hoping that Fuuta would finally have gotten some rest and simply overslept. That, well, it wasn't too far from the truth. He  _ did  _ oversleep. Waking up with the soft plush in his hand, his eyes fought open. They  **hurt** , actually. He noticed that he must've been crying. Huh. He stays in place, almost as if he doesn't want to move, it feels too comfortable holding onto the bunny, so closely, cuddled under his blanket. For once, he felt comfortable, safe. He wished that feeling wouldn't be washed away with  _ guilt _ . He didn't truly deserve this feeling of safety.

It takes him a bit longer to press himself up, an almost  **bitter** laugh leaving him.  _ Of course _ he would wake back up with the urge. Of course sleeping wouldn't actually help alleviate it. He first considers joining the others for breakfast, for that would  **surely** protect him from himself, at least for this moment, but he's not sure he deserves it, and so he's caught on the bed for hours. 

With the plushie in his arms, and a voice at the back of his head, telling him he shouldn't even be holding onto it. It's kindness he didn't deserve. 

Hearing a knock on his door, Fuuta winces together, bloody tissues getting tossed towards the trashcan in the corner. At least he hits it, but that doesn't conceal them. And that  **won't--** agh.. 

Clicking his tongue, he shakes his head, afraid, wrapping another tissue around his dripping wrist, before the sleeve and wristbands would be put on top. 

Yeah  _ sure  _ that's not noticeable-- but he's sure he can't stop the bleeding this quickly, so this would have to do. 

Pushing the razor back into the cabinet, jumping onto his shaky legs, the plush is abandoned, falling onto the floor next to his bed. Finally reaching his door, he pushes it open only a little.  "W-what?"  The redhead pushes out, defensively. 

Of course it would be Haruka. Concerned eyes shift over the other. Well, he did look like he'd just slipped out of bed, and like he'd slept a bit more.. But he still looked tired. "I.. s-sorry, I, you didn't-- err.. I."  Pausing, Haruka lifts the little box he'd gotten, when asked if he could bag some food for Fuuta.  "I thought, y-you'd, be hu..ngry, be-because, you didn't show up, I-I assumed you were sleeping, I'm sorry--" Any defensiveness in Fuutas eyes is  _ quickly  _ washed away with  **guilt-** he takes the box, but keeps his gaze focused on it, so Haruka wouldn't be able to see his eyes.

Tongue clicked, Haruka picked up on it, it's a  _ tick  _ of Fuutas, huh? He wonders if the other knew. Haruka wasn't very analytic, but he'd talked to Es a few times. Specifically about this. Because he worried, and didn't know how to feel about some of Fuutas vices. 

"Thanks.. " The redhead whispers, voice too uncertain.  _ Far  _ too uncertain. 

"I-I.. it's nothing. Y-you should eat, you.." He catches himself, hands reaching up to his mouth. 

Fuuta could only laugh bitterly.  "Hey, that's my phrase." But he doesn't seem mad, no, he's  _ smiling _ . 

"Sorry I bothered you. I, I think I need some time off." He tries to speak honestly, because he just, he just wanted Haruka to leave again. Not that he didn't appreciate his company he just--  _ agh _ . 

Haruka gets the hint, nodding.  "T-take care."  Taking a step back, he waits for Fuuta to close the door. And so it is, as Fuuta almost falls against the door, struggling to keep the box in his hands. 

He didn't want to drop it, but his fingers suddenly felt so weak, and his arm was still burning. Shaky breath, a hand is run through his hair, he goes back to his bed, so he could eat. 

Mmh. If he wasn't so afraid, this would be so much easier. 

But again, he shouldn't get close. 

He shouldn't get close.. 

to someone so awful, Fuuta was an awful person, he's been told this a lot, so it must be true. 

He wanted to help and protect the other, but sometimes he almost felt like he was the one being taken care of, especially with these gestures.. 

**They hurt.**

~~_ As he eats, he feels the urge again. _ ~~


End file.
